


The Disco-stick of Destiny

by SelenaTerna



Series: The Disco-Stick of Destiny [1]
Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Human AU, Humour, I have no idea what I was thinking, Jack being Jack, Non-Explicit, Repeated mentions and variations of the word penis (non-obscene), Romance, Semi-Crack, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, references to phallic representation, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2019-02-06 07:45:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12812889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SelenaTerna/pseuds/SelenaTerna
Summary: Jack Harkness is entrusted with a task. He gets creative and it has unexpected effects.





	The Disco-stick of Destiny

**Author's Note:**

> OK, so I have no idea what the hell I'm doing here. This is silly even by my standards, and I'm going to totally blame Heidi for sending me an article about US Navy skywriters drawing a giant penis and testicles in the sky because naturally, my next thought was Jack Harkness. Article is [here](http://www.popularmechanics.com/flight/a13797408/navy-pilot-draws-giant-dong-in-the-sky/) if you want a laugh.
> 
> I...have no explanation for this, really. It's silly, it's fluffy and it's pretty pointless, really, so...yeah. I hope you don't hate it, LOL. Big thanks to Heidi for the research help!
> 
> This is unbeta'd and all mistakes are mine.

“Annnnd…we have lift-off!”

Jack whooped with glee as his jet roared down the runway and rose smoothly into the air. Confidently, he guided the craft as it climbed and as soon as he’d reached cruising altitude, he levelled the jet and flicked a switch. “Alright then! Let’s get this party started!”

Moments later, the strains of Shania Twain filled the cockpit.

_“…I’m goin’ out tonight, feelin’ alright, gonna let it all hang ouuuuut…”_

“Ahhhhh, that’s more like it,” he grinned. It would only take a few minutes to reach the London Eye, and he made it with time to spare, singing loudly as he lazily circled high above the monument, awaiting orders. 

_“Idris9, tower. Are you in position?”_

Jack immediately muted the music. “Affirmative, sir. Ready when you are.”

The comms crackled slightly. _“Excellent. Proceed as planned and let’s make it a good one, shall we? Let’s show those chaps from the Navy just who the real artists are! Teach them to challenge the Royal Airforce!”_

 “With pleasure, sir.”

The line crackled again. _“Very good. Good luck, Idris. Tower out.”_

Jack grinned “Art? No pressure, then. Right, I’d say this needs some special effects- better initiate emergency protocol four-one-seven.”

He flicked another switch.

_“An old cowboy went ridin’ out, one dark and windy day…”_

“Ahhhh, that’ll do it- Ol’ Johnny never fails me.” 

As Johnny Cash gravely crooned warnings about ghostly cowherds, Jack dipped and twirled madly in the sky, painting with his jet the greatest work of art he’d ever created. When he’d finished he circled it several times, admiring his work.

“Now _that’s_ art,” he smirked as, with a last look, he turned for home.

_"Ghostriders in the sky...."_

Behind him, a giant penis and two perfect testes hung proudly in the blue sky.

++++++

_Meanwhile, on Westminster Bridge_

“Oh my _God_!” Rose Tyler came to a sudden halt on Westminster bridge, walking smack bang into something solid and warm.

“Oi! Watch where you’re- _blimey!_ ”

“Oh my _God_!”

“You said that already.”

She blinked at the sound of the unfamiliar voice in Macunian tones. Glancing to the side, she saw a tall, dark-haired man in a leather jacket and jeans, also looking up at the sky, and winced. She must have walked right into him.

“‘M so sorry- I wasn’t looking. I was-”

“That’s alright,” he cut in, turning to face her with the most piercing blue eyes she’d ever seen. “Can’t say as I blame you, what with _that_ up there.”

She huffed a laugh, trying not to stare at his rangy, lithe frame. He was _more_ than a bit of alright, this bloke. “Yeah, you can say that again.”

He grinned, folding his arms. “Not every day you see a great big knob in the sky, is it?”

She laughed. “Not really, no. Bit off an odd choice, innit? Wonder who did it, anyway.”

He sighed. “It was an RAF jet-  an’ I bet I know the American git who did it, too.”

“American?”  She blinked. “How’d you know _that_? An’ didn’t you just say he was RAF?”

“Yeah, well, he’s Scottish-American— born in Scotland to Scottish parents, an’ they moved across the pond when he was a lad. He grew up there and recently came back and resettled here. He was in the American Air Force for years.” He snorted. “Git still calls himself Captain Jack.”

Rose frowned. “No Captains in the RAF, so he’d be…what, Flight Lieutenant?”

“Yeah.” He cast her a surprised look. “Military fan, are you?”

“Nah.” She shrugged. “‘M a medical support officer for the RAF- reservist, Flight Lieutenant, actually.”

“Are you now?” He looked intrigued. “How long you been doin’ that?”

“‘Bout six years- helped me pay for my uni and my trainin’.”

“Yeah? What kind of training?”

“I’m a physio.” She folded her arms. “You know, I’ve just told you what I do but I don’t know anythin’ about you- or even your name.”

He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, I’m the Doctor. What’s your name?”

She raised an eyebrow, trying not to let his adorably goofy expression distract her. “The _Doctor_? Doctor _what_? Medical, are you? Or academic?”

“Nope, medical man, me- former RAF, actually, medically discharged from the regulars last week, an’ lookin’ to set up camp in London.” He took held out a hand. “James McCrimmon, former Squadron Leader, at your service.”

“Nice to meet you, Squadron Leader.” She took his hand, and tried not to shiver when her skin touched his. In fact, she could almost swear he’d done the same. What was _wrong_ with her today? She was acing like a teenager with a crush. He wasn’t the first fit bloke she’d seen in her life, and his aquiline nose and too large ears certainly didn’t make him pretty. Still, she had to admit, they fit together with his eyes and his lips and his lithe body and the resulting combination was _gorgeous_.

“James,” he cut in. “Or the Doctor- most people just call me the Doctor.”

“ _Doctor_ , then,” she smiled. “People seriously call you the Doctor?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged sheepishly. “Ever since I was a lad- was always goin’ about trying to fix things. And people. Mainly people.”

Rose grinned, the tip of her tongue touching her teeth. “Yeah? An’ how’d they feel about that?”

The tips of his ears turned red and his eyes focused on her mouth. “Most of ‘em seemed to tolerate it, except my sister Donna.”

“Yea?” She swallowed. “She wasn’t so much a fixer then?”

“Oh, no, she’s a doctor too- kids’ doctor, actually.” He smiled and Rose’s heart melted just a little. “The little tykes all love ‘Doctor Donna’.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, looking suddenly uncomfortable. “I…well, I should be gettin’ on.”

“Oh…yeah, ‘course,” she said, swallowing her disappointment at his somewhat abrupt withdrawal. She didn’t even know the bloke! What did she have to be disappointed about?

He cleared his throat. “No sense standin’ about under a giant knob, is there? Best get some coffee and breakfast.”

“Course.” She nodded, trying to keep the disappointment off her face.

“Right, yeah….so….I’ll be off, unless, er, I don't know… you could come with me?” He tugged at his ear nervously. “If you want.”

Rose stared at him in surprise for a moment before a smiling brightly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “Much rather talk to you without the overhanging artwork up there.”

She tilted her head, tongue touching her teeth in a grin. “That so?”

“Might be.” He cocked an eyebrow at her. “So what d’you say? Leave the Picasso behind and get some coffee?”

She grinned. “Dunno about coffee, but I could murder a plate of chips.”

“Bit early for chips, isn’t it?” 

“It’s _never_ too early for chips,” she told him seriously as they set off.

++++++

_Meanwhile, at an unnamed RAF base nearby_

“What were you _thinking_ , Lieutenant? Painting lewd pictures in the sky! Are you out of your senses?” Air Commodore Lethbridge-Stewart paced in agitation. “Bad enough the reports have gone out, but just think who might have seen it! What if the Marshall’s seen it?” He cringed. “What if _Her Majesty_ has seen it? What then?”

Jack remained silently at attention.

Lethbridge-Stewart sighed. “At ease. What were you _thinking_ Jack _?”_

“You said you wanted art, sir,” Jack said earnestly. “I was just capturing the beauty of the male form- like Michelangelo’s David!

The older man rubbed his forehead. “One cannot compare a giant phallus in the sky with the work of a master sculptor, Jack. Just think who might have seen it and Lord knows what kind of effects it’ll have! There could be all kinds of repercussions!”

+++++++

_Two weeks later, at a London pub_

“Wait wait wait, let me get this straight- you’re actually _dating_ someone. _You?”_

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “Yes, _me_. The universe isn’t going to implode just because I’ve started seein’ someone!”

Jack squealed with glee. “You heartbreaker, you! Tell me all about her, Doc!”

“Oi! Don’t call me Doc.” He glared. “And her name is Rose, Rose Tyler. She’s 27, Air Force reservist medical support officer- physio.” He glared at Jack. “And you can just keep your dodgy remarks to yourself, thanks very much!

Jack pouted. “Fine, fine, be like that.” Seeing the Doctor’s glare, he rolled his eyes. “So how did the two of you meet? Did you actually leave your flat and go to a bar and meet people like a normal human being?”

The Doctor folded his arms and rolled his eyes. “Why would I want to spend my evenin’ with a bunch of sweaty, drunken apes?”

“I’ll take that as a no, then.” Jack cocked his head. “So how did you meet her?”

The Doctor sighed. “She ran into me on Westminster Bridge- literally. See, she was somewhat distracted by this flaming great knob in the sky and didn’t see where she was going and knocked into me. She apologised, we started talking, and I took her to breakfast.”

Jack gaped. “No!”

“Yes.” The Doctor rolled his eyes.

“No! You actually met your girlfriend because of me!”

“Well, I dunno that I’d-”

“You did!” Jack squealed. “You met under the Penis of Love! You chatted her up under my Love Serpent!”

The Doctor stared. “Penis of _Love_?” 

“Yes! My Disco-stick of Destiny brought you together!” Jack wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m so proud!”

The Doctor gaped at him for several moments before signalling the waitress.

“Can I have another pint, please?”

 

_Fin_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Come follow me on Tumblr- I'm at countessselena.tumblr.com


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